


vi la neblina de tu piel

by jjseoids



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Marijuana, Non-Linear Narrative, One Shot, Recreational Drug Use, ehm basically i took my experiences and i put them into a story, kissing mentioned, mentions of drug use, yes this is my first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24325555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjseoids/pseuds/jjseoids
Summary: Yuta works through his feelings for Mark
Relationships: Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	vi la neblina de tu piel

**Author's Note:**

> helloooo so this is based on something i wrote in my journal months and months ago and it was brought to life after reading "The End of All Things" by cobalamincosel which made me cry in a good way. please go check it out! this is my first time thinking of something fictionally and putting it down on "paper" so if you come across this and read it, thank you very much. 
> 
> title taken from Vete Con Él by Ramona

As Yuta lay in bed at four a.m looking mindlessly out his window, he’d come to know two truths.  
One, he had indeed had a crush on Mark for the entire summer and maybe even before that. Two, Mark was the only person that he had truly let close to him intimately. 

Closeness was a thing Yuta had long since realized was one of his flaws. He had known that he was the type of person who looks for the things that he doesn’t like in people in order to make himself uninterested in them. He knew that very well but with Mark, he saw the things he didn’t like and he kept moving. For the things he had liked always outweighed those that he hadn’t. 

And when they had kissed for the first time, Yuta was bashful. Because it had finally felt like all the questions he’d carried would finally be answered. Almost like ties being knotted at the end of a story. 

Yuta remembers how after their kiss, he had moved away from Mark to nestle back into the couch. Hiding his face as Mark peered over at him from the floor, where he had previously ended up after an attempt to get away from Yuta’s tickling, a small smile playing on his lips. He remembers the collective question they shared. The “what” that signified both knowing and unknowing. Yuta thinks now, that maybe they were both afraid of what comes after closing a book. 

The thing was Mark had already been seeing someone openly, and Yuta was foolish in thinking that he could handle it. He thought that he could keep quiet about what he felt until Mark confessed to him. This was mostly out of fear but also Yuta wanted Mark to say it first. He thought that he had tugged enough out of Mark already, having been the one to initiate most of their intimacy, and Yuta just wanted him to come clean without having to push him. Wanted to see what Mark could do without having the pressure of Yuta’s desires at his back. 

But Yuta felt he had hurt himself too much by silence and when things were said where he could hear them but weren’t said to him, Yuta had finally felt the ugliness of attraction plant a seed in his heart. A seed that he never wanted. Waiting for its opportunity to bloom, Yuta had found out that Mark had been seeing someone else besides his partner and Yuta himself. Kind of funny the way it happened too, with Mark laying atop him mindlessly playing with Yuta’s hair while he listened to Mark talk to his roommate. The air shouldn’t have hurt when it left him but it did. 

Logically, Yuta knew that he had no right to ill feelings but it bothered him. Bothered him that when he would text Mark, when he was with Mark, when he gave Mark the softer parts of himself that others would know. And maybe that they would receive from Mark what Yuta wanted most. Possessiveness like that has always been a hideous thing. 

So Yuta did the one thing he knew and he pulled away. At first it was easy to say he was busy. Two weeks go by, Mark would send messages and Yuta would answer them vaguely but the pain in his chest was prevalent. The ache was so hard to manage that Yuta occasionally stopped by the cafe Mark worked at for a cup of coffee and let Mark question him. 

Yuta wishes that anyone besides himself could’ve seen the way Mark did a double-take that day, after not hearing from Yuta for the longest time since they had first started. He wishes he didn’t make himself analyze Mark’s desperation to keep him. Mark telling Yuta that he was afraid that Yuta didn’t want anything to do with him anymore and how it hurt assuring him that they were still friends. Yet he smiled anyways because he knew that Mark could see the distance that he had moved away from him. Inherently that scared Yuta, how could Mark be so in tune to him? After everything, were the small confessions Yuta left for him the only thing Mark couldn’t see? Yuta played it off, laughed to squelch Mark’s worries, joked around so that the worry on Mark’s brow could relax and beat around the bush until he realized he couldn’t. Not with the way Mark insisted and Yuta ended up letting a half truth slip, he wasn’t ready yet. 

Yuta had spent months being a person that he never saw when he looked at his future and he was afraid of the potential damage to who he had carefully curated up to this point. For 24 years of his life, Yuta had meticulously worked to be safe. Safe from disasters like his parents’ marriage, safe from people like his first boyfriend and safe from his own self doubt. But with Mark, Yuta moved blindly. Let himself see the warning signs but remained open because Yuta was learning. He’d come to know that his warning signs were actually just regular signs he happened to be frightened by. Thus he knew he was never going to be on the same social level as his peers if he couldn’t trust. So Yuta trusted, assured himself and his friends that Mark couldn’t hurt him. Mark wouldn’t hurt him. But Yuta was unaware of what he could do to himself. 

Months have gone since he has properly seen Mark and Yuta knows that it is his fault he is a memory. That whether you pull away or not it hurts all the same. He’s had a lot of time to think about it and has in fact thought about Mark a lot. He knows what he has to do but it’s just the act of doing it that seems like too much at a time like this. 

And he knows the outcome will be nothing to write about because he can’t be with Mark. Not in the way that Mark would want because Yuta would always feel a part of a list. One that he’d never be at the top of and Yuta was so used to being last that he was tired. Which is not something he blames Mark for because Yuta understands how easily it is to be enamored by Mark. 

Mark catches eyes so effortlessly. Yuta remembers when they would be out together and how comfortably people could melt into Mark. Which is something Yuta was always in awe of, he loved being the one to sit back and watch fondly as Mark worked a magic he was unaware that he possessed. Loved the way Mark always acted so shy about it but knew exactly what to say to get people to like him. 

The nice thing about pulling away is, the feelings of attraction have somewhat subsided due to absence. And maybe that’s why Yuta hasn’t gone to see Mark. Because he fears falling for Mark all over again. Because Yuta thinks of the way they’d lay together at night and he misses the warmth. 

He misses the weight of Mark on his chest and his hands start to sweat. The thoughts crowd him and he thinks of Mark rubbing his sides. Mark’s fingers under his shirt softly grazing his skin and Yuta physically squirms. Remembers when he got so high that Mark had to lay on top of him to calm him from the onslaught of thoughts that would bombard Yuta everytime. Kissing his cheeks tenderly all the way through Yuta speaking nonsense. Remembers near to vivid how Mark straddled his hips while listening to Yuta try to tell him, not for the first time and in the least obvious way that for Yuta, Mark is it.

Yuta begins to miss it all and it reminds him of something his friend told him. How Yuta is able to make someone feel like they’ve hung the stars only to leave them and with that the guilt spreads. Mostly because he’d thought about hating Mark. Thought that it would be easier than curling up in a ball if he could pick apart Mark for his faults. But that would be unfair. Mark did nothing wrong because Yuta never asked for him to be clear and in the end, Mark won the mindgame because he was opaque. 

Sometimes Yuta thinks that Mark liked him too. If he didn’t would Yuta hurt as much as he does? Would he replay moments like this? In order to salvage the pieces of himself before Mark, because Yuta thinks of time in before and after Mark, he tries to tell himself in a way that doesn’t leave room for doubt or for hope. Mark didn’t like him, not in the way Yuta did atleast. It helps him if he can think back to all the conversations in the beginning. When in Yuta’s mind, they did feel like friends. It keeps him away from all the times on Mark’s couch or in his bed early in the morning before Mark had to leave for work. Yuta can erase the way Mark looked at him if he tells himself that Mark’s perception of friendship was different than his and that’s just how it was. Then it’s easier not letting himself think about what he wanted. 

Yuta tries to be okay for his friends’ sake. Understands that it’s hard to listen to the same story, to hear the same rambling as Yuta tries to process Mark. He feels sorry that he can’t let something go that never had a name. Because what can you call this? It wasn’t real. Mark was not his boyfriend. There was nothing that ended if you look on the surface, but maybe, the way it felt to Yuta can have validity. Maybe in his heart it could have a deeper meaning. 

Sleep begins to evade him and Yuta realizes he’d spent his time letting Mark get to him again. With that Yuta gets up from his bed, closes his blinds and draws his curtains before finally letting himself sleep. 

Outside the sun meets the horizon, brightening the sky shortly after.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it this far i want to say thank you so much again. please leave a kudos and/or comment i'd love to know what you thought! 
> 
> you can find me on twitter @jjseoids :-))


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